I have a sort of selcouth yugen written in my DNA.
I’m always wondering,
I can rarely sit still because I want more than anything
to just be a part of something.
A part of everything.
I want to stick my fingers in everyone’s pie
and know that I’ve been everywhere and back.
And when I sit outside and look at the stars,
the moon huge and luminous,
I am reminded of how small I am.
How insignificantly tiny my existence is.
I am aware of the fact that I am just a lot of nothing,
a little bit of everything.
It’s an unusual, bittersweet feeling.
Overwhelming, but humbling.
I am honored.
I know I could die any second.
But in a way, I am infinite.
We were flames
And you are smoke
Beautiful, but slipping through my fingertips.
And now we’re just ash
Remains of something contagious
Although it never got the momentum of a wildfire.
You never allowed it to.
We were the light in the darkness
Teasing the sunset
And tip-toeing on dangerous ground.
You engulfed me.
I allowed you to.
I tried to set everything of yours on fire
Dance around my personal act of arson,
But all I did was singe my fingertips.
Three quarters of a thumb print left,
And with soot covered eyes
And a half broken heart,
The only direction of choice is forward.
No more being the light.
I need to find the light.
You’ve allowed me to.
So this is my first attempt at spoken word… or maybe it’s just poetry. Idk.
Shadows fall on the floor
And my loneliness sets with the sun
I haven’t spent one night in my own bed
In a very long time
I can’t sleep isolated
The elixir of mixed flesh is my NyQuil
And it’s always delightful to role play love
Just call me an ingenue
Dawn is very becoming on you
With messy hair and sleepy eyes
I think of the way you would play with your child
And how I could get used to this
It’s not right quite yet
But I’m still figuring things out
And I guess this is all part of growing up
Am I an adult now?
You appear in my delusions, your words sweeter than sugar cane. Each utterance brimming with incentive. You lace around my wrists, choking them dark blue. You are the twinkle of my eyes and the dilation of my pupils. My heart starts beating again.
You emerge from the shadows and into my hallucinations, your confrontations dripping red sarcasm. My ribs fracture as your whispers mingle with my gasps. You are the broken bones in my skeleton. My heart is pounding.
You materialize in the middle of my fantasies. Your voice is a catalyst for false hope. Your silver tongue snakes across my teeth, etching promises into my gums. You are the facilitator of the pools in my tear ducts. My heart is throbbing.
You dance into my desires, your lyrics cutting into my veins. As your neon poetries entangle in my lungs, I can feel them start to collapse. You are the stimulus of my breakdowns. My heart is drumming.
You surface in my visions, silently weaving around my temples. The prose of your magenta indifference scars my flesh. You are my substance, my guilty addiction. My heart is palpitating.
You stumble into my marvels, your breath heavy with drunken nothingness. Your grey phrases are bitter as they perch on my collarbones, threatening to shatter them. You are the lock on my trust box. My heart is thumping.
You exist in my subconscious. Your verses intertwine and trip over each other. My hips bruise royal purple where your fingerprints used to be. You are the first domino of my nostalgia. My heart stops pulsing and starts to hum.
You ask me why I love him
You ask me why I still hold on
You ask me why I’ve forgiven
Even though he did so wrong
You tell me I deserve better
You tell me he’s not the one
You tell me that soon I’ll be staring
Down the barrel of a gun
But you honestly should stop assuming
What you see is not what you get
There’s a plethora of deep dark secrets
More than we’ll ever admit
Nobody notices his slightly crooked smile
Or how beautiful he is when he cries
Nobody notices his canine sharp teeth
Or the freckle under his eye
Nobody notices the way his eyes gleam
When he’s smiling and blushing inside
Nobody notices how he’s always held on
Even though he’s Jekyll & Hide
So no, I will never give up
Because he never gave up on me
And that’s more than I can say for most of you
Who have thrown me out to sea
You can judge him, judge us
Hold it all over our heads
Judge how naive I am
And break us down
But we’ll just get stronger instead
Hate his hair
Hate his body
Hate his nose
Hate his actions
Hate his words
Hate who you think he was
But I’ll tell you right know
I don’t love him in spite of those things
I love him just because.
With nighttime comes uncertainty
The dark makes it easy for the true facts to hide
It’s toxic past 12
The ghosts come out
And trigger the demons in your mind
The static pulses take over
And all of a sudden
Things are happening
But when dawn breaks it all disappears
The dull throbbing of last night’s events linger in the air
And, in a drunken stupor, you stumble back into reality
Blinking at the bright truth and averting your eyes
As Mr. Hyde slinks back into the shadows
Dr. Jekyll steps through the doorway
Top hat in hand, ready to do work
And with an unfamiliar stare and a flick of his coat
He turns away
Ready to start the day
And move forward
Almost as if last night never happened
As the rain pattered on the window, the tinkering sounds of old music hung in the air like lightning bugs. Something in the atmosphere felt pulsing and alive and magical… as if the whole world could feel the alchemy in our veins.
“Now this is a moment I will remember forever,” I whisper.
“Me too,” you respond as you pull me closer.
I rest my head on your chest and close my eyes.
It’s a gift to feel infinite.
HOW TO ENJOY YOURSELF ON THE BEACH
When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of absolut vodka, lots of suntan selma, and a couple of folding poles. Then you put on your thong so you can get a beautiful electric blue to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your penis. If you want exercise, you can find some strippers to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America’s favorite crusty game. You can also bring a rusty lunch, such as hard-boiled cows, a few more cow sandwiches with mustard, and some bottles of janky cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near a smexy lifeguard, you can sunbathe permiscuously all day.